A Wistful Longing

June 26, 2014

"The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them."

Pretty sad, isn't it? We once had the situation like that before, or it's just me I guess. Gue, lo, kita duduk bersebelahan. Pernah juga depan belakang. I remember every details, everything that came out from your mouth.

---
Siang itu, saat istirahat kedua. There were only three students in class; me, you, and my very good friend. Gue di kursi, sibuk ngerjain tugas yang gue lupa apa namanya. And then you came, bringing our friends' guitar. 

"Jreeng..," lo main satu nada sembari duduk.
"Dih. Emang lo bisa main gitar?"
"Nggak sih, tapi lagi belajar."

Gue balik pura - pura sibuk dengan tugas gue. You will never know what I felt inside, won't you? I thought there would be a big explode in my stomach; so many butterflies lived. You still played the guitar, when I was still pretending study the lesson with all my ears to you. I'm sorry for saying this but I feel like you tried to accompany me at that time--I'm sorry. 
---
"Lagu seni budaya lo apa?"
"Sekonyong konyong koder"
"Apaan tuh? Coba dong nyanyiin."
"Nggak ah, apaan nggak mau!" I refused.
But you still asked me in a way that I couldn't resist. 
"Cintaku sekonyong konyong koder, karo koe.. Ah, udah ah!" And I went, left you alone. 
"Hahaha," you laughed.
---
Masih tetap di saat pelajaran seni budaya, awalnya kita main tebak - tebakan macem "lo orang mana" games sama anak - anak lain. But I didn't know why it ended up only the two of us. 

"Coba dong gue! Tebak gue orang mana?"
"Ah, jangan senyum dong! Susah tau." You said. 
I giggled. I just couldn't stop smiling at you because your curiosity. 
"Oke, oke gue coba." I said. 

We stared at each other. I found something in your eyes I couldn't reveal. And boom! You guessed it precisely; Jawa Tengah - Jawa Timur. 
---
"Mana sini? Coba liat hasil psikotest lo."
Then I gave you mine. 
"Hahahaha, bener banget nih!"
"Bener apanya sih? Yang mana?" I asked.
"Nih, lo orangnya suka langsung pergi gitu kalo diisengin."
"Hah, tau ah." I left.
"Tuh kan! Hahaha"
---
"Ah, gila gila! Ini keren banget, bikin kayak gini berapa lama ya?"
"Iya, dewa banget yang bikin pop-upnya. Kayaknya sih bakalan lama," my good friend answered.
And then you suddenly came to us.
"Apaan nih? Yaelah, begini sih gampang bikinnya," ya, seperti biasa. Ke-sok tau-an lo bikin gue gila.
"Sok banget sih. Coba lo bikin!" gue teriak, sedikit dibumbui rasa kesal. Buat gue, hasil kreatifitas mahal harganya. They are priceless.
"Iya, ntar gue bikin buat lo."

But sorry dear darling, Nikita, it only happened in your mind.
Hahaha, I know. Lo nggak akan pernah buatin gue satu pop-up dengan tanda hati di sana--seperti yang lo omongin dulu--kan?
---
Entah saat istirahat UTS atau UAS, gue terlalu malas untuk bergerak, duduk mempersiapkan diri untuk ulangan berikutnya. Dengan tiba - tiba lagi, lo datang, duduk depan gue, memakai bangku dengan cara tak seharusnya.
"Lo mau masuk mana nanti? Jurusan apa?"
"Komunikasi."
"Komunikasi udah banyak lagi. Emang mau apa?"
"Periklanan. Gue mau kerja di advertising agency!" ucap gue semangat.
"Ah, itu juga udah banyak, dan susah tau dapet kerjanya kalo lo anak komunikasi bukan lulusan universitas yang bagus. Kenapa nggak yang lain aja?"
"Kenapa mesti yang lain? Gue maunya itu."
"Coba dong yang lain, hubungan internasional aja."

And who are you for telling me something to do in my future?
---
"Kok lo pendek sih, Nik. Tinggiin dong."
"Iya, ntar gue tinggi ngalahin lo."
---
"Coba, mana tangan lo."
"Buat apa?" I asked.
"Sini liat."
"Nih.."
"Lo buat kayak gini deh," lo mengepalkan tangan, nyuruh gue untuk ngelakuin hal yang sama.
Then I followed.
"Wah, nggak keliatan nih tulang - tulangnya," kata lo dengan maksud tulang jari.
Then you said,
"Pasti gara - gara ketutupan daging." 

Sialan. Hahahaha.
---
Day by day passed by. I still remember the way I tweeted about us, about our separation.

"Then I realize that everything has changed. Our subjects aren't the same anymore. Too much differences, that's it. You go in your own class, and vice versa, I go in my own class."

Gue pikir semakin lama kita nggak pernah ketemu dan interaksi, maka perasaan ini akan semakin kabur. Hilang. Gue udah sering coba untuk menghindar. Sesimple gue nggak pernah mau main ke kelas lo, ke kelas tetangga lo, padahal di kelas itu teman - teman baik gue singgah.

Ternyata gue salah.

The longer I don't see you, the stronger my longing to you. And the moment we meet, the moment our eyes stare each other, is the moment I so much appreciate. Though we didn't speak, though I just kept silent, my eyes spoke million words. I missed you.

Percaya atau nggak, perasaan yang gue bangun sendiri. Ternyata butuh orang lain untuk matikan. So, could you please turn off everything? 
---
Bali, 2012.

"Lo mau gelang nggak? Gue beliin."
"Eh? Nggak..," gue memutuskan untuk pergi. Gue linglung. Gue nolak--gue nyesel.
---
"Talking about you, talking about me, and talking about us are awkward. But talking about her? Will never be awkward. Never. Even for me."

"Kira - kira kado yang bagus apa ya, Nik?"
"Apa ya? Dia suka apa emangnya? Warna favorit? Beliin aja apa yang dia suka."
"Suka warna item kalo nggak putih. Suka banget sama eeyore."
"Ya udah, kasih aja yang ada hubungannya sama itu. Atau nggak scrapbook! Kasih kado yang lo buat sendiri."
"Ah, ribet," oh jelas, gue udah duga lo bakalan jawab ini. You're my number one favorite lazy person.
"Gue mau kasih sesuatu yang bisa dia pake." lanjut lo.

And there you are, holding someone I never guess before. Someone who has many specialties, someone who has good and pretty inner-outer-beauties. Someone who is worth-fighting for. Congratulations!
---
Sedih? Pasti. But I think I have found the answer to all my questions in life about you.

"Because we're here to complete each others, not to be together. Just like when you need a help, I'll be there to help you."

I'm really sorry for posting this post. I mean like I shouldn't post this, but you know, I think I'm on a position where I miss you this much. I'm on a tipping point. 

"If time doesn't heal the wound, and so does band aid. There are still words to heal the wound. So just write."


It's really a time to let go of you, I guess. Good luck on your study, good luck with everything in your life. Do the best, and let God do the rest. I'm still here to listen every good story and news of yours. Hope we will meet again, soon.

"In the end, you can’t really find a substitute for someone. What you can do is probably save a tiny place in your heart for him, and find someone else who will fill in all the other spaces."

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